so i am still obsessively cleaning - there isn't anything left to clean. what is wrong with me?! i am relieved and happy to have my life and family back! But i am restless, anxious and i am not understanding these feelings. it dawns on me i am not comfortable with me ! i keep telling myself "self' you are on the right track- sure it doesn't feel good and it's not going to feel for a while but this is where i am supposed to be. it sucks! I feel like i am detoxing off something and i have to go through it

Tornadoes

The night before last I was dreaming of tornadoes. It was one of those dreams that the next day just keeps replaying in your head over and over. You can't seem to shake it. I looked up into the sky and I could see the clouds forming in a funnel shape. I could feel the wind whipping around me- i wasn't alone. There were other people- i want to say , hmm i think there were little blond headed children with me. I ran them into the little house and hovered until I felt it was safe to go out. I didn't see much damage but even though I didn't see it, I knew a lot of damage had been done - somewhere. I remember looking outside and it was all sunny and hot. I walked outside assuming it was safe and it started to happen again. I felt more winds picking up and saw the dark gray ominous looking clouds starting to make that funnel shape again . It was like it was right over my head and I could see the inside the walls of this tornado. I think I remember hovering once again and this time a few windows were broken, but still not too much damage.. and then I can't remember much more than that. But what I can remember is very vivid in my head.

What does dreaming of tornadoes mean I asked myself...so of course I 'google' interpretations of dreams , clicked on tornadoes- Basically things are changing which is going to require you to keep up your education or in other words 'get your sh*t together'

Things in my life are changing. Though sad but good things are happening. I mean, it doesn't feel to good but the positives will outweigh the negatives once i get through what I need to get through. So that leaves me scratching my head , thinking..."hmmmm"

We had a department meeting today at work. Called at the last minute and required everyone to be there. Most of us were thinking - oh it's our Director, she's retiring and she is probably officially announcing it and going to tell us who is taking her place.....
yeah well - true our Director is retiring... but there was much more to the meeting than that. We were all told that the department we work in and throughout the entire network will be combined and reporting to Corporate instead of each site having their own department. Looking to cut costs and be much more efficient, I suppose. okay- but everyone has to fill out a transfer form and actually 're apply' for the job they want without any guarantee that we will get the job. We must fill out a new application along with our updated resume and actually go through an interview process - hoping we get our jobs back. I am not to sure I understand all this though. We are going from working on separate campuses to working under one umbrella ( the Corporate office) - it's not like we are being bought out by a different company.

So I guess this is my tornado....you see ...I am really good at what I do. I have been doing for about 20 yrs. My drawback is my productivity which has haunted me my entire career. It is just that productivity while was important was not as emphasized as much as it is in today's "almost on the verge of a Depression " era. My quality however is VERY good. Sometimes I am too detail oriented, other times I am bored, and this past year- well for those who know me- this past year has been a horrible emotional roller coaster ride - a really bad tornado - And unfortunately, I let it get the best of me- spending many of my productive hours worrying, stressing, and crying - and for what.... and now my job is on the line. I mean - I don't mean to be so dramatic- everyone has to do this. But I feel very scared that 'they' ( the big corporate guru's who will interview me - us ) will not let me back on the team. My productivity over the last year has taken a huge nose dive - given the emotional stress i let myself get into.

I hope I don't dream about tornadoes tonight....

anxious

tornadoes- winds of change- the unknown that lurks behind the cracked open door- okay i am just trying to reassure myself- no i don't have all the answers to all the 'what if's' - i can only go as far as i see. i guess it doesn't do me any good to get all tied up in knots about what will happen tomorrow or the next day or next week. for what is going to happen , at this point in time , i do not know, but what ever is going to happen already has happened. i just need be open minded and not beat myself up for what ever i did or did not do- because it's already done- all I can do is go forward. ( the mom side is worried about insurance for me and my daughter though - i have to admit)but i am a good honest hard worker with creative spirit - lurking to come out- maybe it will be a blessing in disguise - kinda like the blessing in disguise that just moved out... ha.
umm ... it's a lay off and i have til June 30th to either hope they 'rehire' me or take the severance package.... sometimes I am so slow...

wow i never saw that coming...okay i am tired of being side swiped ...my body feels like it is frozen with anxiety - like i don't even want to move my body.

Catharsis of the Soul

semester is over... made 3 A's! working normal 40 hour weeks and I feel like I am on vacation!
she's gone...moved out last Friday. . .
The house is quiet , and very clean. I am obsessively cleaning to avoid feeling. The house feels kinda empty. But we fill the awkwardness with laughter and waffles drowned in buttery syrup. It is a very enlightening feeling, sort of an empowerment to have some control over my life, my house, my family once again. don't get me wrong i am fully responsible for foolishly but with good intentions- of putting myself in that situation. Not sure why i feel so sad. after all the lies and manipulation you would think that one would be very happy to be out of that relationship. But all in all its been another life's lesson I suppose. One that many learn a lot earlier in life, but i guess i took the little yellow bus to school.... Now i am with myself ( and my kids of course) and I feel okay. Its sad and weird around the house but i just want to be with me now. i am alone but i am not lonely and I am okay with that. Every cloud has a silver lining....
omg- i am sitting here at 11:00 at night and still watching my daughter's favorite TV shows...just got done with Fresh Prince and now....Tool Time. mental note: must get a life...

chaos

here is my life in a chaotic narrative form: i know that you know that i know....

good night

well good night... or good morning depending on how you see it( its 12:44am) Aaron and I had such a good time today. We both hadn't felt happy in so long we both felt like it was Christmas or something. i am so exhausted but i almost feel afraid to go to sleep because i don't want to wake up tomorrow and not feel happy. ok well maybe i am deliriously tired right now...and the dogs are FULL of energy! thank you dear friends .... sweet dreams

333

another friday night

It's another Friday night.... when is the semester over?! i'll miss my art classes but i won't miss 10 hour days at work and especially those long miserable 10 hour saturdays! one long final exam in history of photography and two presentations to go and i will done May 13th - well - until the fall semester begins and i get to take darkroom - yea!!! and another brain melting drawing class- which may come so natural to some but makes my brain hurt-i like the abuse.
i am so tired....
p.s. i figured out how to make my 'reading list' - look at me!!!