just another manic monday

didn't want to get out of bed this morning... so I slept in til 6:02! got the dogs out, got the kid up, got into the shower, used my stupid new conditioner I broke down and spoiled myself that I got at Aveda ( favorite store ) some stupid conditioner ( i picked up the wrong one that is why its stupid ) that colors your hair- what ever! rushed in and out of the shower, put the dogs back up, forgot to give the kid her adderall, the kid couldn't find her shoes, so she had to wear her back up pair - (which she was NOT happy about)got her on the school bus, rushed to my daily Starbucks and got my crack. got to work to pull out my productivity booster (aka adderall) and realized for some stupid reason I took it out of my bag and left it at home. omg- talk about feeling panic- talk about pressure - omg gotta make it gotta make it kept going thru my head even as the after lunch sleepies set in and my eyelids got heavier and heavier. But I did meet productivity - i coded 30 charts today. phew okay day is over - walked to my car - i got princess parking this morning!
home now- walk in the door and the kid is already bombarding me to come play with her with her new 'swing ball' kinda like a tether ball but with a tennis ball. As I am enjoying my venture with the kid, then the boy, older taller one comes up to me and mutters some strange words about a man wanting to see an id of one his friends and he called the sheriff. Now i am totally confused- the boy had two of his high school friends over but why would some one be asking for their i.d.? so i walk out, there is a man in his little pick up truck "ma'm i need to talk to you. your son's friend was walking in the neighborhood and I asked him what he was doing, where he was from, where was he going, and to see his i.d. and he doesn't have i.d. on him .I called the sheriff and they are on their way out here - if that sheriff asked to see his i.d. and he doesn't have one - he can take him straight to jail"
by this time i totally feel like i am in the twilight zone 'wtf' keeps going thru my head.
I turn around to see an unfamiliar face amongst the boy and his friends. I could not speak for who this boy was. The man in the pick up truck happens to be our 'neighborhood watch/vigilante ' who takes his volunteer position very seriously! Sharing with me all the break ins and drug dealings that go on in this neighborhood, that the sheriff's department, and the DEA amongst other law enforcement agencies are watching this neighborhood. He must have seen a look of horror on my face because finally after he ripped me a new butt hole, he settled down to introduce himself - and hell if I can remember his name nor do I care what his name is.
the kid that was walking over to our house was stopped for walking to our house from his neighborhood - a couple streets away was African American young man, dressed in the hip hop -ish fashion that many young kids wear today - who is very new to the Woodlands area- just moving here from Houston, just graduated high school and is looking forward to starting college in the fall. Because of his race and his choice of clothing apparel he was judged unfairly as a potential threat to our 'precious woodlands neighborhood' and by his presence will bring in gangs - according to the Neighborhood Nazi -
seriously? .... dude are you serious? I couldn't even believe i was in this situation.
My son and his friend play basketball with their other high school friends at a park close to our house. one day they see this guy just shooting some hoops by himself - they asked him if he wanted to play 21 and a friendship was formed. so that is how this young man came to be in this situation- innocently walking to our house to play PS3 .
Enters the sheriff that was called by the vigilante neighborhood watch dog (other names come to mind but wouldn't be very polite.)
i walk up with "T "to the sheriff's car- i listened to what "T "had to say to the sheriff and it was pretty much the same story that vigilante dude" told me.
the sheriff listened and was very cool. Actually laughed when "T told him that vigilante dude demanded to see his i.d. . I was half expecting the sheriff to talk to me as well but it didn't happen. honestly, i think the sheriff was more aggravated that vigilante dude actually called him to check on T. talk about racial profiling!
but that whole scenario got me pretty shook up- then i decide to go and get the mail.
there lay a big 'ol envelope for me from McDonald's corporation- and i knew what that was... my divorce papers or "your booted off the insurance policy due to the termination of your domestic partnership" i don't know why but it hit me like a ton of brick- between swing ball, vigilantes, racial profiling, and now my divorce papers- i just had to lay my head down and cry for a little bit.
this is very hard....

done

lazy hot summer days

just me and my camera - it makes me feel better... so does spending time laughing with my kids... i gave them life and they gave me mine back...they don't even know

calmer

i am much calmer today... i went to work, i left work to go pick up K to bring her to her friend's pool and then i went back to work. i worked til 5 drove to 1960 to pick up a new script for K because the 20mg Adderall didn't work well at all. it was too much for her little 79lb body. then i drove back to the woodlands and picked up from her friends house. we drove to CVS Pharmacy, but on the way there K discovers a Subway shop. I didn't feel like cooking tonight getting her the 6 inch turkey with swiss cheese lettuce and tomato on wheat with chips and a soda was ok with me.
Get home to start the usual 'walking thru front door' thinking oh sh*t the dishes need to be picked up, but first the dogs all of them are barking obnoxiously - so quickly my mind has to repriotize what needs to be done first- the dishes can wait, but the dogs cannot - their bowels and bladder must be released immediately upon entry of the dwelling.....then i can get to kitchen, unload...load...( which is supposed to being done by two well abled kids 11, and 16 but sometimes they forget ....you know how that goes- maybe i should forget to buy groceries?!
By the time i actually sat down ( well i had to pee after the dogs peed)to catch my breath - the A yells out "Chapa is here" ( like i should have known about his arrival...)- so back on the road, dropped A and Chapa off at park to play some basket ball. Kaitlyn and i drive back to CVS Pharmacy and pick up the new meds. went back to the house only to wait til A and Chapa call for a pick up. i am pooped!

panic attack

no pictures today. stressed, stretched like a rubber band and let's hope I don't snap. i should be happy, grateful, but i unfortunately don't share the same excitement. I am grateful to be given a 30 day trial even though i have been given many second chances. though i have been through some the hardest times and self realization - that i don't like to 'realize'. so many changes- help



you ever feel like someone has their hands around your throat, or like there is a lump in your throat and you feel like you can't swallow?

you ever feel like your head is about to pop off your shoulders? like your heart is racing so fast you feel as though you just might pass out?

you ever feel like ...' omg omg i'm not gonna make it, faster, what if i don't make it?'

i have to do this i have to i have to feed the kids and put a roof over their head i am the sole bread winner in this house

you ever feel so exhausted but can't sleep but instead cry yourself ( hopefully to sleep)?

Summer Time

(does any one know what this is? )


its summer time- this beautiful (i don't know what it is) ? butterfly ? was hanging out on our back door. Nothing seemed to bother it as the dogs would go flying in and out of the sliding glass door almost knocking it off. They would stop and sniff it for a second and then they would go on their merry way- Flicka obsessing with her balls. Luna digging holes and barking at squirrels 10 feet in the air but she is bound and determined she is going to catch it ( in the words of Juno " dream big" ).
Her wings ( i think its a she) looked like velvet, edges looked like fur. her antennae looked like ferns. It looked as though someone or something had hand sewn the designs on her wings that look like eyes. What an amazing creature! it was nice to see something so beautiful and take my mind off all my worries. ( no news if I will have a job come next week...)

laying in bed in my quiet room with my little light on. i like these moments.
my daughter had to journal every day in class. it looked as if her teacher would give the class a topic to write on. for example, what would your best birthday party be like? Now, please know I was not snooping or prying. She left it for me on my desk and asked me to read them. She sure does have a lot of insight. I am glad she journals. she is able to write down her thoughts- thoughts that are so hard for to speak out loud. May 16th was a hard day for her- she was upset that people she loved were walking out of her life. I understand why she was writing that. It sure did hurt my heart to read those words. Reading more of her entries- i kept wondering if she was happy living with me. She says her daddy brags on what a good time they always have and i think it hurts her feelings because she is not there and she is afraid they will throw it in her face that she wanted to live with me. i know she loves me and i know she loves her daddy- and her parents love her so much it hurts. she is a very lucky girl. Motherhood Parenthood we all hope we are doing the best and the right things. i know sometimes i bury my head in the sand like an Ostrich because i feel afraid and i don't want to see or hear what is actually going on. fear i guess... but not healthy for sure. we'll get there.

til tomorrow...
love,
a mom

~tree of life~

kaivalya gita ~ Absolute Understanding~ book i enjoy reading before i go to sleep~

"from the time when man has evolved into a thinking creature, he ( or she) has looked up into the sky above in order to contemplate the existence of a creator. in his mind, he has conceived the presence of a force that he does not understand, perhaps a guiding spirit, an invisible companion. He has symbolized this 'guiding spirit' in nature, conjuring up limitless forms as identities of this 'spirit'- wood, stone, sun, ocean, even hidden depths of the earth. This thinking creature, man, has given this creator innumerable names and has devised several different forms of worship to ensure safety, prosperity, and happiness of his own life. in this creators name, man has laid down rules and regulations for communities, and made them sacred and inviolable, to ensure peace and harmony in his life."

....sweet dreams....

(psst... i want this symbol branded on my skin...)

anxiety ICD-9-CM 300.4 depression

too much noise in my brain
my brain needs to be quiet in order for the anxiety to stop. be still and silent... that is not to say become a hermit and never talk to anyone...no not at all.
last night I took these photos while i was pacing my bedroom trying to comfort myself, calm myself. My brain is overloaded with worry and anxiety. actually the camera soothed me as i just started taking photos of my feelings. i actually stopped cleaning my room and let it get a little messy ( just a little ) so to give me something to do tomorrow.
today, i didn't do much of anything and it didn't bother me at all! i was lazy, but not anxious. i even treated myself to soak and relax in a nice hot bath ( which is unheard of for me to do)
and now the house is peaceful and quiet... no tv blaring...no dogs barking...just me in my crisp clean sheets, my laptop, and one little light on in my room.
tomorrow - i'll get to sleep in - til the dogs start barking .... and another day begins...

lemon drop martini's and my camera...these are a few of my favorite things.
the girl went to her daddy's the boy is spending the night at a friend's house
the house is ALL mine and it is so quiet - i acutally have the tv on as some form of distraction. i need noise to distract me from the quiet. thats funny to me when i always 'strive' for peace and quiet. I blame the girl. she is always watches tv in my room. so i guess i got used to the tv buzz in the background.
I have the whole weekend off...two days in a row.... what to do - what to do...
clean, laundry but what else...
i think i need to draw some and get back into the habit. never forget your ART.
and mine is photography. I need a creative kick in the butt. Anyone wanna take pics with me? anyone? anyone?
Still on pins and needles not knowing if I will have a job come July 1st.
anyone out there?? + positive energy needed +
I see me working from home - i see it in my mind.. i have a plan.

here lies a mother face down...

school's out! no school zones for 3 months endless phone calls swimming sunburns hot rain boredom mall movies boredom whining

today i still didn't find out anything about my job. but tonight i wasn't obsessing about it. I enjoyed my evening. K got to eat dinner at Lupe Tortilla's for Cheer/ Dance club end of year party. The boy spent the day working out and running with his friend. I had waffles with blackberry jam for dinner. tomorrow is the last day of school. Yea! no more school zones for 3 months.

My Monkey

May - started out with term papers and finals. That seems like a life time ago. I didn't think I'd ever get done with all that, but I did. Deciding when a good time for my ex to move out was my next big hurdle. My thoughts were the sooner the better because the process was feeling like taking a band aid off hair by hair and it was really hurting. The moving day was May 16th. That was a bitter sweet weekend- freedom
mixed with a feeling of an empty house. i just wanted to crawl out of my skin.
Next comes the job- or the "smoke screen" lay off with work. Just when I was beginning to get my feet back on the ground - another wave comes crashing towards me( or should I say this is my 'tornado' dream). So June brings a month of anxiety, indecisiveness as I wait it out and see if the hospital will 're-hire' for my position. Hopefully I will still be working come July 1st. my nerves are shot trying to figure out if I have a job or not. you see, it seems from past experience that when i hope i am wrong, i am usually right.
Single mom with two kids and no family anywhere close- it just seems to cave in on me.
I am overcome with waves of anxiety, and I don't feel like moving- just sitting still.
thank goodness for the encouragement of dear friends, and my kids who keep me laughing and the ever so distracting dogs !! ok ok ok- i know i must be going through this for a reason- and try not to fear change so much. There are a lot of things out there I would love to do (PHOTOGRAPHY ) and I know my job skills are unique . I am trying not to fear the unknown but instead look at it as a new future.
my my my i wonder what July holds for me....